Being a freelancer, i experience having both the gift of time on one hand, and on the other i experience mind exhausting busyness and engagement in my activities.
These endless cycles of work and rest however eventually start weighing down on me, like a physical weight, bearing down on my shoulders and holding my head down , it feels like iron bands wrapped around my temples, stifling creativity and capacity for ingenuity when i need it the most. I don't know why i succumb to procrastination so often, i don't know how many of you out there reading this post will be able to connect with that feeling of mental paralysis that accompanies a long bout of procrastination, but i think most of you will kinda get it.
I think it's this Millennial lifestyle we all lead, with excessive periods of highs and lows that's to blame, with us binging out entire seasons of shows on weekends wearing pajamas and eating snacks, or hanging out with friends excessively having conversations about things we consider to be important and then experiencing the isolation of having to come back to our homes and rethink our conversations , looking at the lives of those we call friends through the biased lenses of social media and having to rethink our relationships constantly based on what others say or post or don't post, feeling a sense of constant social anxiety and pressure to experience the approval of our peers.
Our modern lifestyles have both isolated us by giving the illusion of constant connection while giving us opportunity to experience gratifying high's at the push of a button when we feel momentary sadness and isolation. We constantly suffer the withdrawal of those minor gratifications which we inject into our system, no more episode depression is actually a thing now, when you're done watching a show and all episodes are finished you kinda feel all dead on the inside.
I can spend hours watching cat videos and funny fail videos and failed prank videos and videos on survival and crafting ( because i believe the zombie apocalypse is going to happen someday ) and get a natural high from all those experiences that i can enjoy through the power of the internet at my fingertips, but when i am done watching all that, what i have to look forward to is either work or long periods of nothingness and that dead empty hollow from the inside all consuming self loathing feeling, until a find the next high that is.
This attitude of running from one high to the next, this scrolling to the next post, like a zombie attached to a screen with invisible strings attached to a greater thing ( the internet ) is affecting me at a deep level, and it's getting harder and harder to overcome the blocks of creativity that is suffer periodically.
Perhaps it's my depression and anxiety talking, ( which i believe is another gift constant consumption of internet content has given me ) perhaps it's something else. all i have realized is, that 5 years back when i was constantly occupied with the challenges of a mundane job and i achieved my tasks on a daily basis, at night i used to sleep easy knowing that i'd run my grind and my brain shut off and i went to sleep, perhaps it was intellectual or economic slavery to slave master corporations but i was kinda happy with the daily grind, this having too much freedom is wearing on my soul in ways that are irreparable.
i am gradually becoming of the opinion that too much freedom could be a bad thing !