life and love and innocence - Dim Solitude

i would like to request you to please play the song before reading what i have to tell you.... because what i will tell you might be something that may change your life...

see the thing is there is a good chance that you are reading this you are feeling lonely, or you are looking for that special someone in your life.

what you need to realize is what i learned from almost a decade of struggles and pain and suffering...

we breeze through life with not a care as to the people who are around us.. so caught up in our little routines and so comfortable in our domain that we do not care to venture forward and understand that just beyond the limitations of our self involved personas lies salvation.

we never feel that the people that are in our lives are special enough, those people who make us feel sane, hold our hands in our darkest hours, and teach us life is worth living when we want to give everything up.

sometimes we dont hear the meaning in their words even though it's important. those subtle inviting questions, those innocent innuendos, those shrugs and those piercing gazes, and sometimes even those comfortable silences which you most miss when that person is not around.

sometimes we dont believe them to be special enough even though they've long proved their worth in our lives, we dont realize we need them, we dont realize that they are the one's that anchor our soul to reality, and are the safe harbor where our sanity shelters. where our heart lies in peace.

and sometimes

just sometimes...

when it's too late

we realize....

we've lost the one special thing we had in our life...

sometimes the love that is there or that special loved one that is there in our life is like the wind...

always invisible to our eyes

but present all the time..

and we dont even realize.. until it's always too late..

why is it that in our search for love. we fail to see the love that is around us already..

why do we become blind to our present in pursuit of a future that may or may not turn out to be true..

in the pursuit of perfection why do we forget the beauty lies in tolerance of the imperfections...

i have made many mistakes in my life..

things that i am not too proud off..

i have failed love...

not once

but twice..

i am twice cursed with the burden of the knowledge that the person who i wanted to spend the rest of my life will be spending their life with someone else..

do not make the same mistake i did..

look around you.. look at that special person who always has been there for you..

who would give their everything for you..

who would give their life and soul for you..

make them yours...

dont make the same mistake i did..

and pray that i do not make the same mistake again..

we all deserve love in our lives...

because love is the only thing that makes life bearable and worth living

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My Life Story Part 1 ( Early Life )

The earliest memories i have are of sitting in shining rays of light on the floor of my house playing with my toys, bashing them together, the smell of my dad's shirt after he came from work, the sound of my mother screaming at me to get wake up, and my temper tantrums when i never got anything i wanted, see i was an only child , and being an only child you get the license to bitch and moan, and i used that license to full advantage.

i remember getting my hair cut, at the age of 4, and the barber saying that i was an unusually quiet child, i remember getting my arm cut open when by bike crashed with another kid's bike and my hand got caught in his brake wire, the skin split open and i could see my blood pouring out in bursts, i remember how my dad scooped my up in his arms and ran me to the hospital, i remember fainting in my father's arms looking up into his sweating and worried face. i think words cant describe the strength of a father's heart.

i remember the "Gajar ka Halwa" ( Carrot Pudding for those who dont understand urdu ) my mother used to make in the winters, and those cold rides to the school, i also remember the days there were riots out on the street and my father would rush me back home from school 15 minutes after the school van had dropped me off to school.

i remember my trips to Lahore to visit my cousins, getting hanged up by my ankles in a construction site, and having a fireworks war with the kids from my aunt's block, with me on the roof alone with an arsenal of fireworks and trusty slingshot. and how i made a kid cry when he stepped on a roof close to my vantage point, being on the high ground i let down a rain of fireworks, i bet that kid must have felt like he was in a real war zone with bricks blasting every which way around him and the constant cracks and bangs. those kids never messed with me after that, they knew i was one crazy kid :) with a bagful of firecrackers and not afraid to use em.

i remember getting a really cool toy and taking it out to my friends, and having them break it and run home crying to my mom, who first scolded me and then held me in her arms and made me soup.

i remember my first ever bike, it was purple with white handles and power rangers on the side. i remember my first anime, i think it was the guyver my father got if off a pal on a ship, my father worked in the shipping line.

i remember changing schools and going to a new school, looking at all the new faces, feeling afraid and exited at the same time, weirdly enough didn't feel like an outsider, more like detached watching a story unfold, even now as i sit in front of my screen typing out my earliest memories part of me wonders if i guessed this would be happening. by the way do not for a second assume that i am claiming to predict the future, all i am saying is i have always felt unplugged from reality, living like an outsider, i'm sure a good psychologist would have a lot to say about what i write, if you ever get one to read my words, do let me know what they think.

i remember the smell of freshly washed and ironed uniforms in the winter, and changing homes, i remember shifting to defence from the slums when i was very young, i even remember a day of terror when i was scared because all the lights were out,  my mother holding me in my arms like i would evaporate if she let go and my aunt sitting beside me both worried like hell as the sound of gunshots shattered the night, i guess this is my way of saying that the shift was justified, see my dad believed that when your neighborhood turns into a war zone you change the neighborhood.

i changed schools twice again and by the time i was 12 i had become an expert on making and leaving friends behind, you know i just realized where i got the habit of leaving people behind, to this day, i dont call my friends back, and sometime dont even receive their calls, and now i understand why that is, i know it is a poor justification, but it's the only one that sticks, some of my friends think that i am a jerk, and they are right, i am, or it's what i turned into.

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The Loneliest Christmas Ever

Imagine waking up to the sound of a rasping throat, first thing you notice is breathing hurts like hell, you try to get up and there is no energy in your body to do so, and you keep on lying on your makeshift couch/bed, staring at the false ceiling, hoping beyond hope that this is a dream, but no such luck, this is your life.

see they say everything happens for a reason, but i dont know what the reason was that i was left alone in this world, why i was left alone, to fend for myself, i cant moan about it, because i know i have it better than 80% of the world's people simply because i have a roof over my head, a laptop to type on and a few good friends who keep my company in the good and the bad, and are almost always by my side when things go ugly, but being human and having the ability to feel gives me the license to bitch and moan about everything and anything all the time.

i know what you may be thinking man this guy is cynical as hell, and sarcastic to boot, and an all around bitchy and moany crybaby, but i want you to know, i really am not the person my words depict me to be, the reason i tell it like it is, because i have made it my job to tell people my story, so that the more lucky ones out there have some measure of comparison, and i have my outlet for all the pain in feel in my life, so that i can keep sane.

my words will ring true for the people who feel alone, for the people who feel lost, for the people who have lost loved one's and cannot come to terms with what is going on around them, see, i have been through more than most, my life story would be enough to make people more grateful about there lives, but i wont tell it now, not while it is still in process, i have plans to write out my entire life story one day, but not now, not when i am putting in my blood sweat and tears to make myself a success.

see i wasn't always like this, i had a car a bike, a home and a great job but all that changed one cold day in December 5 years ago. that was the day i lost my father, it's now 5 years to the day, i have clawed back up from the abyss i fell in that day, i'm almost out, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but i have bled to much, i dont have the energy to go on anymore.

see what happened was when my father passed away i had a step mother who took everything i had, i never knew she was not the person i thought her to be, she took everything , the house, the car, the bike, and sold everything out from under me, i was fool enough to think that i could trust people, while i lay there wallowing in grief and self pity, i was being thrown from grace.

i was a successful hotshot in the corporate world, working as a franchise manager for warid telecom, developing my own business on the side, when my father passed away fast forward a few years, i was working in a bakery wiping windows and floors for less than $50 a month. i thought that this was how the rest of my life would pass, but a certain someone in my life gave me the guts to push on, and take my life in control. she was the one good thing in my life, and helped me make something of myself, gave me hope when i was at my weakest, pulled my back from the edge of the abyss, but she's not in my life anymore, and things although better than ever, seem the more darker.

it is not 4:27 in the morning and i cant sleep, sore throat hurts like hell when i breathe, there's no water to drink, and every time i cough i wanna rip my throat out. only the steady sound of keystrokes and woodkid ( the one who sang the assasin creed song ) in the empty walls i call my home. wishing you all a MERRY CHRISTMAS !!

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Something to Understand

I have gone through life without having an idea of who i am or what i am supposed to do.,

i have gone through life feeling depressed

i have gone through life feeling alone.

do those words ring with you ??!!

then i guess you and i are in the same boat, you know why we are lonely, the only reason we are alone is because we want to be, and we dont realize that what we want is already happening, and we have the gall to be depressed about it,

you and i both know that everything happens for a reason, if we are both alone sitting in front of a computer screen living life more through the pixels of the screen before us, forgotten and lost the feel of sunlight on the skin or the smell of grass, forgotten the feeling of joy and happiness in the company of friends, it is all because we have brought in on ourselves.

oh yes the age old lie that we tell ourselves that people lie and cheat.

but that does not really matter now does it.

loneliness is what we have now.

the bitter fruit we have grown

that has festered in our yard

and now our burden to bear.......

eternally.

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The Music in my Blood

i will soon be sharing all my music in one place.. i have made a small collection of music that i hope all of you will like... i really apologize that my professional life is taking a strain on me and i am unable to share my thoughts and verses , with the frequency that i used to , but i can assure you dear readers.. that will soon change..

Live Strong
Live Long.

Grim..

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