A Lifetime of Regrets

tony was walking down the street when he saw this old man sitting on the sidewalk looking down at his feet, normally tony wouldnt've stopped and chatted but there was something so essentialy sad about the old man that it touched his heart and he went and sat beside him on the sidewalk.

"Hey what's the matter, is everything all right" he asked him

the old man looked at tony and he realized that the old man was crying , the man wiped his eyes " it's nothing son, just one of those days " and started to get up, stumbled and tony held him by the shoulders and helped him get up.

"i dont know about that old man, you look really down, let me know if you need anything ok" he said dusting off the man's jacket.

"i was going to get a cup of coffee, would you mind joining me, i would like someone to talk to right now " said the man with a deep sadness in his eyes.

"sure , in fact the coffee's on me, my name's tony" shaking the man's hand

"thank you tony, my name is jeremiah , lets walk to the park on the corner there's a coffee shop on the way we can get coffee from there" said jeremiah as he started walking down the street.

they walked at a very slow pace, when they reached the coffee shop tony went in and got them both coffee and they proceeded to the park and sat down on a bench overlooking a small artifical pond, smelling the fresh october morning air sipping coffee.

after a long while of comfortable silence jerimiah started to speak

" you were very kind to me back there, and i think you deserve an explanation as to why i was sitting on the street and crying my eyes out "

" today i turn 83 years of age, and i was looking back at my past through the windows of memory, it was an unpleasant journey full of many regrets, would you like to know a few of them ??"

"Sure i guess " tony replied uncertainly

jeremiah cleared his throat and looked off into the distance and started to speak.

" when i was young my father used to tell me he lived a really hard life, and that i should not follow in his footsteps, i should make it a priority to study hard and make a name for myself, i did not listen to him back then, i was too high spirited, i used to run around with boys older than me chasing after girls, smoking, drinking, never giving a damn about my education. my father used to be very disappointed but i never gave a damn about that. " Jerimiah gave a little laugh and went on. " we used to have these huge fights when my report came and my dad used to go on and on about how i would be wiping windows and washing floors or working at gas stations or end up in jail if i dont study". " i never used to take him seriously "

"then one day i came back home after hanging with my friends and my father was lying on the livingroom floor, a bottle of beer broken on the floor beside him, he had just had a heart attack, i took him to the hospital but he passed away. my mom had died giving birth to me, and i never knew any other family than my father"

tony put his hands on the man's shoulder " i'm sorry bout your father " " dont be " said jeremiah " i never listened to him, although i regret that now "

" after he died, i lost the home, i didnt know anything, and i didnt know where the money was, social services took me to an orphanage, and i still dont know where all my stuff went. "

"i went from having a home and a life to having nothing, i lived off the orphanage for a few years till i got my first job as a gas jockey at a pump, slaved there for a few years, then went to work at a bar, met a nice girl there, got married, had a son, it was a really tough life, with all the bills and everything, i had 2 jobs and she had 2 jobs and still we werent able to make ends meet"

" i used to be away from home so much that i never got to be with my son, used to come home late get drunk and go to sleep, i never know he hated me for that, i loved the kid but i had to work, how else could i have fed him and clothed him, and she never told me he was so mad at me, i really cant blame carol."

"when jimmy , My son, was 10 years old, he got into a fight at school and hurt the other boy pretty badly. and we were called to school, he was suspended, he'd broken the boy's arm. we tried to talk to jim but he shut us out."

" few years later carol passed away, she was coming home from work through a bad part of town and got mugged, she'd gotten her pay that day, she tried to resist, they stabbed her." jeremiah wiped his eyes " i felt like a part of me had died " he took a deep sigh and went on " jimmy started staying out of the home , staying at his friends house more often, he'd made a name for himself for being a thug by the time he was 18 , we used to fight a lot, he started flunking every subject after his mother died, and i worried he'd end up like me, but i didnt know how to stop it"

"i kept remembering what my father said, about how i'd be good for nothing just like him, and he was right, i had become my father"

" jimmy got a job at a gas station when he was 21 it was the same one as mine , and i died a little inside seeing how his future was going to be "

" he married a sweet young thing he met at a bar, he had a beautiful boy a year after the marriage , he named his son jake."

" last year there was a robbery some thugs came to loot the gas station, jimmy tried to stop them and they shot him "

Jerimiah buried his face in his hands and started sobbing uncontrollably, tony was also in tears, he hugged him and comforted him, but he wouldnt calm down, while tony was holding him suddenly jerimiah's whole body shook and he grabbed his heart and grimaced, and started jerking and fell off the seat , tony leaped up and started screaming for help but by the time help came, but jerimiah was no more....

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Monsterpiece Theater - Transformers

if this is what i think it is people this is gonna be epic... this may be fan made but this just may be the real thing... YES THIS CAN BE THE FIRST LOOK OF TRANSFORMERS 4.......

that being said, i dont care if it is or it's not, the song itself is amazing enough to be played at least a million times without any doubt whatsoever..

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How to Mend a Broken Heart

Welcome Dear Reader, if you found me by looking for ways on how to mend a broken heart, you came to the right place, i hope i am able to help you to the best of my understanding and knowledge.

first thing i have to tell you, stop hurting, i know you are going to roll your eyes if you are a guy or feel some sensless rage towards me, if you are a girl you might just feel a crying sensation bubbling up from deep inside you, or you may be like me, the emotionally undead, unfeeling everything and anything blindly going though the post searching for a cure but not really caring.

the most important thing you can realize it , you have to stop living on autopilot and start to take command of your life, i know that your lost love was THE ONE, and the SIGNIFICANT OTHER you were hoping to spend the rest of your life with, but since it is now over, be it for any reason, you have to learn to let go.

Remember those golden words

What Doesnt Kill you Only Makes you Stronger, now the ones of you who are worst off will think ok now that's an idea... ANNHHHNNNNHHHH...<<<< ----- This is supposed to be the buzzer sound indicating you are wrong.

Following are the Steps you should take, follow them and they will definately show you how to mend a Broken Heart.

My program is called F.U.C.K, please feel free to take that in both the literal and figurative sense. steps to my F.U.C.K program are.

Forget the past
Understand that you were not ment to be
Closure
Know when you have moved on.

Now we are going to talk about the first step on how to mend a broken heart.

FORGET THE PAST

in order to forget the past you need to realize you have to be serevely analytical about this. make a list of all the places you went with your partner, avoid them like the plague, same goes for movies that you guys watched together ( only those that had a emotional connection that you strongly relate to ) same goes for songs, and all sad songs in general, everything and anything that you did, had, made, brought, thought needs to go in a tiny box in your mind, lock it all away and throw away the key, for now..... and for all the cynics out there. this will not be a lesson in avoidance, we are going to be coming back to these memories when it's time for closure.

if this causes a problem in your normal life tell your friends you are on a F.U.C.K diet if they have read my article they will understand, if not they will consider you mentally unstable or loose and weird, and not bother with you anymore.

UNDERSTAND THAT YOU WERE NOT MENT TO BE

you have to realize that you were not as perfect as you thought you were, for this part of the F.U.C.K Broken Heart Program you have to tell your friends to follow this rule

(ask them to Abuse your EX in front of you till you stop defending them and the breakup and start to agree it was your EX's fault you broke up in the first place ) if you really dont have friends in your life good enough or willing enough to do this for you, i pity your existance and recommend that you go out and buy one of those stupid little tape recorders and think of an imaginary friend who broke up with an imaginary person ( if you are an actor by profession consider this an improv ) and abuse the imaginary friend's ex, and listen to the tape later, if you are too emotionally unstable to actually do this, freelance the job on the many freelance websites available on the internet, i am sure that somewhere out there is an asian or indian guy waiting to bid for a very cheap amount for your project and provide you this service practically free to create a portfolio ( warning crappy accents may disturb the overall effect of the script )
.
once you realize that you were not ment to be, you are ready to move on to the next step

CLOSURE

Remember that little box i told you to lock inside your head, well take it out now and prepare to put together all the hate you can muster in one place, it's time to put the smackdown on that ex of yours.

burn pictures, leftover clothes, pets, favorite CD's or XBOX ( if it's a guy ) , favourite SHoes or Scarves ( if it's a girl ) basically hit em where it hurts and dont get caught doing it, if the pyromania is not your style simply throw every single possession you have of your ex in the nearest dumpster.

if you have done the first few steps correctly this will leave you feeling like you just had a long overdue bowel movement. and make you feel fresh and alive. if you did not do the first 2 steps correctly ( forgot to lock the box, or crappy accent didnt get you mad enough ) it's gonna make you feel like you are sitting on the can trying to pass a whale that just does not want to come out, but instead of feeling that feeling in URANUS you will likely be feeling it in Your Heart...

KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE MOVED ON

to horribly disfigure a poem by rudyard kipling

if you can talk about your ex when all about you
are making you feel guilty abour breaking up
if you can talk shit about them when all your friends doubt you
and burning those pictures, gives you a rush

you have moved on and you should thank all the stars
that F.U.C.K was there to grab you by the Arse
and kick you and beat you and make you so sane
that you would be willing to F.U.C.K Again...

this is the gist of it basically, if you have done all the above steps you will no longer be wondering how to mend a broken heart, you will already have healed, or be in the process. i know that the way i offered advice was somewhat different form the was most people do it, i also know that i may sound like an ass, i know that and i have been told that a zillion times, but you need to realize this single most omnipotent and important thing

only you have the power to get out of the hole you have fallen into.. only you have the power to mend that broken heart of yours.

hope i could give you a good swift kick on your bottom and make you realize everything you are missing.

here's to hoping you dont need any more people to tell you how to mend a broken heart.

Sincerely Yours

BrokenHearted Grim..

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State of Mind

i am trying to understand what's going on in my mind right now, i have heard about therapeautic writing and have practiced personally and have seen results from it in the past, that is why i take to pen again to bleed out my woes and make myself realize where i have gone wrong or where other's have wronged me so that i can address the issues in my past.

sometimes i stare at the blank screen and wonder why words dont come on it, this usually happens to me when i am working on a project, if i ask mysef why that happens perhaps my answer that would be the truest to heart would be because i really am a very lazy person sometimes and when i look at the immense workload that has been put upon my shoulders it becoms hard for me to place myself in a situation where creativity can blossom.

on the other hand right now i find myself overflowing with ideas and words, to express myself and the things i am feeling inside right at this moment, i think that is because i am putting in the effort to break down the barriers created around my mind, i hope again and again that this will be a journey of self realization and understanding,

because i do not know any other method to realize a cure for the current condition that i am in.

speaking of cures people usually say i should pray more, i have been forced and insulted even to pray regularly, and i do feel better always after i pray but i dont know why i cant even force myself to be punctual in that.

i try so hard and fail miserably.

__________________________

it is now another day, and the sun is bright and shining.. i breathe in the life that is around me and reflect in the joy and wonder of it all..

times change and thankfully so does my mood, i read now what i wrote before and it makes me realize that life is more a state of mind than a state of being, you dont relly need to be happy, if you feel happy everything around you will make you feel happier, the true expression of ourlook can been seen through the inner eyes of the soul. what we feel within is usually what we feel on the outside.

i usually give an example on jaded perception, i tell my friends if you look at a glass of water wearing red glasses you are automatically going to assume that the glass contains grape juice, if you look at it wearing brown glasses, you are going to assume that it contains brandy,perception or emotions color the focus of your thought and make you assume things that could be altogether different.

if you were to critically look how we percieve the reality around us you would realize one thing, there are internal influencors and then there are external influencors that shape our state of mind.

for example i am listening to a sad song, it is going to emotionally react with my state of mind and through an alchemical reaction provoke a response from my subconcious provoking nostalgia and old memories, my reflection would then shift my perception if you will making me blind to everything else other than my emotion of the present state which would be sadness, if i do not interact with a significal external influencor that could shift my focus back to my original state of mind which i will call a neutral state of being, i will remain to feel negative and sad and everything that i see from that moment onwards would feel to me a reflection of the sadness that i feel, even the drip of a faucet, or the sound of rain, or anything else, would only serve to deepen those feelings of sadness.

one very crucial thing to mention here is that the intensity of emotions, or the resulting state of mind is not the same for all persons, the steps of cohesion of these feelings may be same but the intensity or duration varies from person to person.

myself i believe i have a serverely bipolar nature, perhaps this is the same reason that i have bouts of creativity and extended bouts of manic depression. i burn my candle on both ends so to speak, i live in the moment and then i despise life itself in equal measure.

i can truly comprehend the shift in the dynamics of a personality. and the consequences of actions and reactions of both internal and external influences on the individual state of mind.

most people find bipolar disorder to be their curse i consider it my muse.

if you have stayed with me to the end of this rambling narrative i thank you from the bottom of my heart that you found my words to be important enough, i hope i was able to shine some light inside you, and make you see yourself in a different light. it was all i intended to do.

wish you a peaceful state of mind for eternity.

Yours Truly

SubConscious Grim.

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